Beautiful Disaster

I tried so hard. I put myself out there for you, and you knew – everyone knew – how I felt about you. I couldn’t hide it. But you kept sending me mixed signals about whether you felt anything back.

One night at a bar, our friends were drinking and dancing, and I laid my head on your shoulder. You wrapped your arms around me and wove your fingers through my hair. Could you really have done that and felt nothing? It felt like home to me.

A few months later I was at a party at your house, lying on your bed while I tried to sober up. You came in to check on me, and I scooted over and invited you to lie down. You said no, you wanted to go back out and talk to your friends. Then you left me there alone, and I felt like a drunken fool with a crushed heart.

Do you really have no feelings for me? Why do you look at me so often with that smirk and those glinting eyes? Why do you always check to see if I’m laughing at your joke? Did I ever even have a chance with you?

I’m trying to move on. Convince myself I deserve someone who shows that he cares. But you’re leaving town soon, and I don’t know when – or even if – I’ll see you again. And that realization can’t cross my mind without my heart becoming unbearably heavy in my chest. I picture you ultimately ending up with some other girl, and the thought almost makes me sick. Why wasn’t I enough for you?

I know you have commitment issues. I know you’re scared of falling in love and getting hurt again. I tried so hard – so, so hard – to show you that I was worth the risk. I wanted you to see that, and to trust me. In the end…you just couldn’t.

Now I spend my days trying not to think of you. Of what you’re doing, of who you’re with. Of whether you ever think of me. I tell myself: I don’t need him, I don’t need him. But I can’t quite get myself to believe that yet.